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e_maci8

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failday [Sep. 3rd, 2010|08:04 am]
e_maci8
so i've been awake since ... i don't know, 6.30, cant sleep, stressing about my calorie consumption yesterday! DAMMIT why do i keep doing this??
got a bottle of vodka last night with the intention of having a drink or two with my guy after dinner and just chilling... and now the whole bottle is gone?? I'm counting back and i reckon i had 5 drinks (with diet mixer... lets call it 320cal, holy fuck), which leaves... 18 drinks. T is drinking way too much lately anyway but we weren't even drunk and....

fuck he's such a bad influence. I get mad cos he's not supportive but then i remember that he doesn't know that i'm trying to be as tiny as i can. (also i don't actually let him know i'm mad, i just AM mad.)

now i'm just feeling shitty, not hungover, just full of fail and hate and anger and i have classes today, 10-12 then 3hour break then 3-4. And if i come home in my break i'll be tempted to eat shit, and i really can't handle that today :(

Plus T is going out drinking again tonight (friday night drinks which turn into him visiting all the bars around town where he knows people who work there, usually chicks, and being what he calls a "rockstar" which is essentially a 31 year old who was a barman til he was 30 so he knows a tonne of people who pour piss, which is nowhere near as cool as he thinks it is) then he'll come home and keep drinking and i'll want to join him... and i just feel like i don't want to be around the house this weekend because it's just going to mean caloriescaloriescalories :(

On the plus side, it's Spring now, and i'm trying to tell myself the weather is already looking warmer (yesterday was pretty nice), but the worst rain in 12years is forecast for the state on Saturday, which means.... staying in with DVDs and wine, which sounds gorgeous to normal-me, but diet-me knows its just going to feel bad. and i don't even want to think about the calories.

sorry, woke up feeling crap. and its not even that time of the month :(

disclaimer: T is a really, really, really wonderful boyfriend and i love him with all my heart and wouldn't trade him for anyone. but being with someone who likes to indulge is really hard when you're trying not to.
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... [Aug. 23rd, 2010|08:55 am]
e_maci8
now that im posting again, i think i'll keep things simple for a bit and only post to communities. maybe later i'll start posting here again but for now view my rants at 0_thinspiration.
x
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(no subject) [May. 16th, 2008|04:52 pm]
e_maci8
so i freaked out a little bit yesterday.
i had tradeschool at 1pm and i was just so headfucked, and feeling nautious and totally not hungry, just crap. i suffered through theory and (rudely) blanked out all the other dickheads in my class that want me to do their learning for them, thinking, i can't do it, i'm going to have to tell them im sick and go home.
my stomach was making all kinds of inappropriate growlings so i left class for the bathrooms, i could swear everyone in the freakin corridoors were staring at me (ok so i AM the chick with the fishnets and ghetto-pimp fluffy jacket, so what) and i caught my relfection in a window and it just fucking scared me. Too thin, too thin... (only i cant say i feel the same now, now i feel like i want to stay this way forever.) sick and in some serious fucking trouble.
i really wanted, needed to call someone, one of my guys who would just love me and come get me and look after me but there was no one to call.

and so i pulled through the day and by the middle of the late session i was chatting to customers and joking and feeling a million fuckin bucks, enough to go out with the girls in my class and have a few drinks and laugh insanely til it hurt and i felt like i fit warmly into a little space.
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2008|11:11 pm]
e_maci8
[mood |sorry]

i have really screwed up.
a very dear, old friend has recently come to experience something i've been faced with for a long time, and he sort of reached out to me because he knew i'd understand. i was selfish and, tired of dealing with it alone, embraced the idea of having someone real to share it with finally. but i should have thought first about protecting him.

but we see this thing in very different terms and i guess i got mad at him for stepping onto my playing field and wanting to change the rules. but i also made the stupid mistake of presuming and insinuating that his young experience is somehow less than mine and i really hurt him witht that.

now he's too angry and hurt to talk to me, im scared may have lost one of my oldest most precious friends.

:(


[xposted. also texted something along these lines to him.]
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update&flaunt [May. 9th, 2008|01:27 pm]
e_maci8
[mood |pleasedpleased]

i've just discovered someting really fun.
i was putting lotion on my skin (melbourne winter and dry skin= not fun) and i discovered that i can fit my hands around my legs (as in thumb to thumb, middle finger to middle finger) for almost the entirity of my thighs. im a few cm away from it. does that make sense? is also not kind of cool??
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I sure say "a lot" a lot, dont i?? [May. 3rd, 2008|04:50 pm]
e_maci8
[Tags|]

not a lot to say.
i didnt do very well yesterday, i was kinda depressed in a detatched sort of way about saying goodbye to something that i was supposed to love and take care of but couldn't (yeah, my dog. i suck.). so i ate kinda a lot. it was gross.
also i took laxatives on thurs night without enough water so i just had abdominal pains aaaaall day, yowch. stupid.

My Lovely Barman Alex (is back working with us, huzzahs!) noticed i was down so he pulled me aside for a sneaky hug (aw) and remarked on my weight loss. he said "you've lost a lot of weight." he could tell just from holding me [*swoon*]. i said "define A LOT."
he said, "like, 25% of your body weight!"
"its not quite that much" retorts i.
its actually 10% which i think is pretty good.

as a result, feel better today. motivated again. determined.
had half an apple, black coffee, 3 strawberries and a 55cal soup today.

think thin.
eating is cheating!
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(no subject) [May. 1st, 2008|11:26 am]
e_maci8
[Tags|]


feel a little dizzy today, and its still freezing.
i really should be getting ready for tradeschool but must blog first.

things proceeded exactly as predicted with T: went over there, he was alone for once. ate a tiny bit of his [awesome i must admit] cooking, watched dodgy tv til we decided his room would be warmer and it went from there.
i gotta say i was disappointed.
but smug as fuck. he likes me more than he cares to admit and i can see it.

and ye gods i love his hair. *swoon*

the best bit is how he wouldnt shut up about how SKINNY i am. "i mean i like skinny chicks, but... you're almost too skinny."
oh, stop.

hung out all day and then left to meet Jarred, whom i mentioned here, we chilled at an open mic gig and talked about how we were going. its so wierd to have him as what i guess you'd call an Ana Buddy- we text about it all the fucking time and its a bit perverse.

i feel good. 44kg/100lb is good.
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(no subject) [Apr. 29th, 2008|07:53 pm]
e_maci8
[Tags|]

in the words of trent reznor...
where is everybody??

yesterday was my 23rd birthday. and i got up and weighed myself, at 44.5 kg and that was the best present ever :)

a few random things:
[+]my sister is a total bitch. even on my birthday.
[+]i've decided to give my dog up for adoption and i dont want to talk about that right now.
[+]i miss my ex sometimes. i heard our favourite song last night while trashed and if he'd responded to my 4am text i would have gone straight over there.
[+]it is SO COLD here today.
[+] just been invited to the house of my very awesome friend T for a roast (wtf??), which i wont eat but i do wanna see him... mmmmm. :)

oh thats right, i watched Memoirs of a Geisha on the weekend, read the book years ago. I fell in love with Hatsumomo (in the film) ... so skinny and anemic looking.
thinspoCollapse )
and Scarface. Michelle Pfeiffer was so gorgeously tiny.
see what i mean??Collapse )
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(no subject) [Apr. 26th, 2008|12:56 am]
e_maci8
[Tags|]

it's my stupid birthday this coming monday (whoooooooo...) and my parents were in town this week, so they decided we should all go into my work today to have lunch.
ugh. i've been trying so hard and this was an unavoidable setback.

thinking about it now, i guess i didnt even really eat that much- i just felt so horribly full because im not used to it! a few glasses of champagne... but i still felt shit.
and yet i just weighed myself (wearing pj pants , singlet, knitted sweater and scarf[shut up, im cold and chilling out before partying tonight])

AND MY SCALES SAY 45.5KG / 100 POUNDS

im so happeh. i've been stuck at 46+ for ages.

i will not celebrate with delicious chocolate mudcake (baked by me).

i am out of cigarettes.

I dont care what you think of me....Collapse )
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(no subject) [Apr. 19th, 2008|07:20 pm]
e_maci8
i have had the worst day.
crap night out last night that resulted in me leaving club in a huff at 2.30am before my mates even arrived (im so sick of being fucked around by unreliable dealers/friends!) and going to bed. slept til THREE PM and then ate so much rubbish,
like 1.5cups of lowfat cereal mixed with bran and diet yoghurt, and some baked beans (wtf??) and then chocolate milk without the milk (?? come on elise!!) and now im supposed to go out tonight but i feel SO bloated and its FREEZING and jai is still in elsternwick with MY DRUGS and i dont know if his housemate (the crazy russian boy, who i've decided to stop seeing after events recently passed) is home so i cant go over there.

this is really awkward to ask but i need ideas on quick ways to empty your system... from the other direction. if you dont have 6 hours to wait for laxatives to work. or meth.

oh, i hope you're all having better days than me.

have beautiful weekends my lovely girls.

ps camwhoring ftw :)Collapse )
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